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 Neela Sakaria: Thank you for your time. The title of your book BECOMING SOUL MATES is very interesting because it implies a process. Tell us about the title of your book and how it contrasts with the common perception that one's soul mate already exists "somewhere out there."
Elva Anson: The title of the book refers to my premise that you don't find a soul mate. You become one. Skin Horse, in Margery Williams' wonderful children's book, "The Velveteen Rabbit" explains it to Rabbit. Skin Horse tells Rabbit it doesn't happen all at once. It happens when you have been loved over a period of time, but "it doesn't happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept."
Neela: Tell us about your background as an MFT. What made you decide to write BECOMING SOUL MATES?
EA: I started as an elementary school teacher. When I had my children I quit teaching and began writing magazine articles. Then I wrote my first book, "How To Keep The Family That Prays Together From Falling Apart." That led to going back to school to get my Masters degree in Counseling Psychology. I have been working as a Marriage Family Therapist since l979. I have been in private practice in Fair Oaks, California for 18 years.
Neela: You talk about the notion that love is not the cause for a good relationship, but rather it is the consequence of one. Can you expand on that idea for our readers?
EA: Most people think of love as a feeling. Actually love is something you decide to do. When you decide to love somebody the feeling we identify as love follows. In long-term relationships there are times when you feel unloved and unloving. These are the critical times. What happens to the relationship comes from whether you decide to love.
Neela: What are some of the most common mistakes people make or misconceptions people have in regards to healthy, loving relationships?
EA: The most common mistake is that people believe that they fall in and out of love. That makes it somehow magical and out of our control. What people think is love is actually infatuation or strong sexual attraction. It is temporary and unreliable. Another mistake is that a relationship is easy if you are meant for each other. Relationship is difficult and it is difficult for everyone. For people who understand that and work at it the payoff is wonderful.
Neela: You begin the book by discussing male versus female interpretations of "intimacy." How do these interpretations differ? Why is the difference problematic?
EA: Most women's needs in relationship are more complicated that men's. It is problematic because nine out of ten women rate intimacy as their number one need in relationship. Most men do not know what they are talking about. They see intimacy as something vague but probably associated with sex.
Neela: Tell us about the importance of the list of "feeling words" that you include in the book.
EA: As adults we need a wide range of feeling words that we can relate to and identify with. That gives us the ability to clearly relate to each other on a feeling level. The broader the range of feeling words we have, the better we can understand ourselves and the person we love.
Neela: What kind of feedback have you gotten from readers so far?
EA: The response has been very positive. Readers are buying books for friends and family. In one case a manager bought books for all of his staff. Reviews have also been very positive.
Neela: How long did it take you to write the book?
EA: This is my fourth book. It took about eight years to write. I have been writing sporadically in my "spare" time.
Neela: Anything else you'd like to share with our readers?
EA: When friends and acquaintances see you as a very nice person, you always know they might not think so if they saw you at your worst. When your spouse or partner says, "You are a wonderful person. I cannot imagine life without you," it is a marvelous feeling because this person knows you and accepts you as you are. What a gift! That is what soul mates are about. You can go beyond love to adoration if you work at it.
Neela: Which is your favorite of the 20 reminders you include at the end of the book?
EA: Laugh often.
Becoming Soul Mates
ISBN: 0-9723569-3-2
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