BookWire - Meet The Author

Tom Mullen is in demand as a speaker for seminars, retreats, and any occasion where life can be celebrated. Retired as dean and professor of writing from Earlham School of Religion, Tom Mullen lives in Richmond, Indiana. He is also the author of Where 2 or 3 Are Gathered...Someone Spills the Milk, Laughing Out Loud and Other Religious Experiences, and Living Longer and Other Sobering Possibilities.

Neela Sakaria: Thank you for joining us, Mr. Mullen. Please give us some background on A Very Good Marriage and your previous books. In what ways is this one different from your other books?

Tom Mullen: A Very Good Marriage is the 13th book I've had published. Three others are still in print: Laughing Out Loud and Other Religious Experiences is a book that explores, in a lighthearted way, the relationship between faith and humor. Where Two Or Three Are Gathered, Someone Spills the Milk is a collection of essays about family life that I wrote when my children were young. It has done better than any of my other books in terms of sales and I do not see its demise anytime soon. The other book still in print is Living Longer and Other Sobering Possibilities which is also a collection of essays about growing older and our faith commitments. Both the collections of essays are based on personal experiences, as is A Very Good Marriage. However, this recent book uses Nancy's and my 41 year marriage as the story-line for all that I say in the book. It is more personal than anything I've ever written, mostly because it deals with Nancy's death and my grief that responded to it. So its a book about a joyful marriage and a painful loss.

Neela: What made you decide to write A Very Good Marriage? How long was the process?

TM: I wrote A Very Good Marriage because I soon realized after her death that Nancy and I had shared a great gift. Our 41 year marriage was not evidence of grim-lipped and plodding endurance but instead an experience of daily contentment and joy in our simply being together. So the book does not attempt to provide a formula for maritial happiness. It does not contain "ten easy steps to marital bliss, " but it simply shares our story in the hope that readers will be able to see and feel what a grand marriage is like.

I hope that readers will be able to reflect upon their own marriages and find cause also to celebrate the life with their spouses. Losing Nancy to death was the saddest experience of my life so far, but I can celebrate our life together because it was, indeed, very good. I started writing the book about a year after her death and its taken two years of work plus publication time for it to appear in print.

NS: Your views towards marriage are rare in today's society. How has your book been received in light of this?

TM: While I'm aware of the high percentage of marriage that end in divorce and also aware of how many marriages which endure are also troubled, I remain convinced that when a good marriage happens, it inspires folks seeking to have one to keep on keeping on. And having a "high view" of marriage, I hope, will encourage newly married persons to be willing to accept, embrace, forgive, and love each other enough to discover the deep qualities of satisfaction that come when persons are able to celebrate their lives together until death parts them.

Even so, good marriages are always works in progress. Lots of young adults fear commitment because they've seen so many in their own extended families fail at marriage. Others assume that the best they can hope for is a kind of contractual or tolerable relationship, so they enter marriage expecting very little. Since my book has been published I've seen reactions to it that illustrate this attitude.

1. I was sending books at UPS to Texas for a speaking engagement. The woman who was weighing the boxes noticed the title, A Very Good Marriage, written on the sides of the boxes. She asked, "Is that the title of the book?" I said it was. She snorted, "then I can see why you're sending them back." Then she said, "Oh, I sound bitter, don't I?" She had been divorced and her immediate reaction was anger and skepticism.

2. A reviewer liked the book, but he remarked that some of his clients (he is a marital counselor) will respond to A Very Good Marriage as if it were an impossible dream.

So my view of marriage and our experience of the 41 years we spent together may seem idealized or unbelievable to some. Even so, I am convinced that very good marriages do occur and many others are waiting to be claimed by folks who are committed to the institution of marriage and fortunate enough to be blessed with a person who helps their high hopes come true.

TM: In my own marriage the two factors that proved to be especially important in our relationship were these: 1. Loving respect of the other. In other words in a happy marriage one spouse affirms the other in essential ways. This implies the acceptance of differences and idiosyncrasies while genuinely embracing the uniqueness of the person. 2. Patience allows two people to grow into mature love with one another. In a society that expects quick fixes to relationships, patiently resolving difficulties and gradually cherishing one another eventually leads to delight in the time and experiences a couple shares.

TM: Discovering serendipities happens when we focus on the ways our spouse surprises us. Unexpected acts of kindness or just the right word of encouragement when we're discouraged, or the seeming ability to read our own minds when we ourselves can't explain a certain mood are all examples of serendipities. Nancy, over the years, often surprised me with her insights, and she was a "quick forgiver" of my faults. In return, I learned ways to release her enormous capacity for good will and good humor. We were still discovering and rejoicing with one another until the day she died. Serendipity means "unexpected joy" or "pleasant surprises". Most good marriages are rich in them and blessed by them.

NS: You devote a chapter to the role that money issues can play in a marriage. Can you tell us a little bit more?

TM: All sociologists of marriage know financial problems can destroy relationships that may otherwise feature sexual compatibility, religious faith, and a commitment to the institution of marriage. Love of money is often the root of all evil, as the Bible says, and it can also mess up a marriage. Usually it is not the amount of money which is the heart of the problem. Instead it has to do with what money means in a relationship. When money is a form of control, power over, or status above or below, problems arise in a marriage. Or when only one spouse works, the other's role in the marriage may be regarded as merely supportive to the breadwinner's. In other words, a marriage may have first and second class citizenship. Or either or both spouses can waste money (from the other's perspective) if they don't share similar values.

Nancy and I made joint decisions about budgets and we came to know and cherish each other so much that outrageous demands never became a factor. This was true when we were poor (early in marriage) as well as later when we became middle class. No possession was so essential, no job so necessary, no purchase so divisive, that our marriage was ever threatened. Instead, we discovered that stuff or status never compteted for the center of our marriage. Our marriage itself was clearly the essential ingredient.

TM: Asking what advise to give a young couple who are considering marriage is like a test question I once gave a class. My question was for them to trace the history of the world and give two examples. In short, there's too much to say in a short answer. Nonetheless, some general advice can be given but it's wisdom that everyone already knows. Know thyself. Know each other. And take wedding vows seriously. We usually start with romance (to have and to hold) which is based on commitment (from this day forward) and then we move through marriage (better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health) until we come to the place where we cherish one another. Along the way we learn to pray for help and also honor the fact that a good, long-term marriage can never be guaranteed, even as it is sought. With God's help, what we can do is increase the odds in our favor. When in the unfolding of two lives together, we discover the gift of a grand marriage, the only response is celebration. I continue to miss Nancy every day, but I can look back and say "Oh what a ride we had!"

TM: Writing this book proved to be therapeutic, but it was not my intention to write it for that reason. I became aware as I moved through grief and talked with dozens of friends and family about our marriage how fortunate I had been. I realized that I was loved as unconditionally as any man could ever expect to be loved. So self pity, I discovered, simply couldn't be justified indefinitely. Writing about Nancy, remembering the words she said and the way she smiled and the warmth of her affection caused many tears but also a sense of deep satisfaction.

Jama Bigger's poem, "Memories" which is in the last chapter of my book captures the effect that remembering Nancy has had. Jama writes, "They come around the corner of my day. The Memories. And there you are. . . . And every time you greet me with love." So at this stage of my life I don't live in the past, but I visit there often.

TM: I have not started another book and may limit my writing to occasional essays and a column I write regularly for our denominational magazine, Quaker Life. I hadn't planned to write this book because Nancy and I expected to travel and simply hang out together as long as we could. So in terms of future writing of books, we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

NS: Thank you Mr. Mullen. Is there anything else you would like to share with our readers?

TM: I know that people who know Nancy and me will read and enjoy A Very Good Marriage. I want it to be a tribute to her, and I think it is. I am eager to see whether what it says about marriage in general when read by people who don't know us from Adam and Eve connects to their experience. Thanks for the chance to do this interview.