Real Friends Are Not Bullies

Before we can begin to understand what friendship is we must first understand what a friendship is not. This is a process that comes naturally to most people; they just know, instinctively, that certain things are not a part of a true friendship. But to those of us on the autism spectrum we may have been put through years of manipulation to believe that inappropriate behaviors are a part of a true friendship. The good news is, they are not. True friendship isn't about buying people's...
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Before we can begin to understand what friendship is we must first understand what a friendship is not. This is a process that comes naturally to most people; they just know, instinctively, that certain things are not a part of a true friendship. But to those of us on the autism spectrum we may have been put through years of manipulation to believe that inappropriate behaviors are a part of a true friendship. The good news is, they are not. True friendship isn't about buying people's alliance. It's about having a mutually beneficial relationship that makes both parties happy.In high school I made some acquaintances in musical groups. I thought these people were my friends. However, as I would learn about real friendship years later, I realized then that I had been more of an amusement for them and someone who they could take advantage of because they knew how badly I wanted to have friends. There were times when I actually felt like a part of the group but that was only when I was doing something for them, like buying them lunch or dinner, running errands, or doing chores for them. At the time I actually enjoyed doing that. I thought that part of friendship was paying someone or giving someone something in order for that person to be my friend. That's what I had learned in middle school when I gave my lunch money away so I could sit next to someone at lunch. In high school I managed to get my first job working as a cook at a local steakhouse. I performed a number of duties there. I thought that work would be a prime place for me to meet and make friends. However, this would actually prove to be incorrect. I had a lot of struggles with the job there. Strangely enough none of my struggles were related to the physical tasks required in my job. They were related to my lack of interpersonal skills at trying to form friendships.The Asperger mind is like an on and off switch. It thinks in extremes with everything. To me friendship is about being nice, supportive, caring, and loyal. But I take those four qualities to the extreme. When I meet someone new, I am either not interested in making friends with that person at all or I am interested at an excessive level where I take all of those traits to the extreme and I become obsessed with developing that new relationship. My greatest frustration in life with Asperger's Syndrome is that there are no mild levels of anything in my brain. It's the same when it comes to liking things or people. I'm either not at all interested, or I have an overwhelming interest. There is no mid- level. It's like an all or nothing mind. I try to imagine what the in-between might look like but it is like asking an ant to describe what it would feel like to be a large animal. You can imagine it but you can't establish any real facts or evidence as to what it should look like or be like. This is my greatest struggle with Asperger's Syndrome. This all or nothing approach was evident when I attempted to make friendships at my first job. By the time I began working I was 16 years old. I had been through some things in school that helped me see that I was unique compared to the other kids. What I didn't know at that time was that I did have Asperger's Syndrome. It was at this point when other guys started to scare me because they were so physically rough. That is something I have never liked or understood. On several occasions at work other guys would threaten to be physical with me. The thing that bothered me was that they often had no reason to do that and admitted that they just wanted to do things to me for their own amusement. One guy was a wrestler on the high school wrestling team. Every time I worked with him I feared that I was not going to be able to breathe for most of the night. He had the habit of picking me up and squeezing me as hard as he could for two to three minutes at a time. He squeezed me so hard it would knock the wind out of me and I couldn't breathe.