Definitions for Living

The ability to communicate through the use of words is one of the major skills that distinguisheshumans from other creatures. Having a formal language which can be spoken and written hasallowed people to create emotional and practical bonds between themselves and others whichcan transcend not only time and distance but physical and cultural barriers as well. With thisunique ability to communicate through language, humans have been able to accomplish what noother creatures could ever...
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The ability to communicate through the use of words is one of the major skills that distinguisheshumans from other creatures. Having a formal language which can be spoken and written hasallowed people to create emotional and practical bonds between themselves and others whichcan transcend not only time and distance but physical and cultural barriers as well. With thisunique ability to communicate through language, humans have been able to accomplish what noother creatures could ever accomplish.Although language is clearly a blessing in many ways, it can itself become a barrier to goodcommunication. Words can provide understanding, intimacy and the ability to achievecommonly shared goals, but they can also produce confusion, hostility and painful consequenceswhen used inappropriately or irresponsibly.As a psychotherapist and family counselor for the last twenty-five years, I have become acutelyaware of the power of words to both confuse and clarify, to hurt and heal. Over this time I havenoticed that certain words and concepts seem to appear repeatedly in conversations betweenmarriage partners, business associates, and other people attempting to develop effective andrewarding relationships. I have discovered that the various meanings and applications of thesewords and ideas are often at the root of the problems people experience in their business andpersonal lives.A significant part of the therapy I do with my clients is to help them clarify for themselves andthen for others what they mean by what they say. As an extension of my work over the years, Ihave written a number of articles about some of the more commonly misundertood words andideas over which my clients were having conflict. As I have shared the articles with them andwith others in workshops and seminars, I have often been asked to make them available to othersoutside my office.This book is the result of those requests. It is a book of " working definitions." You will findthat, in this book, my basic approach to defining a word will be somewhat different from thatused in a standard dictionary. A typical dictionary, out of necessity, must usually limit a word'sdefinition to a brief, generally accepted meaning and then provide synonyms and antonyms ofthat word, along with some examples of how the word can be used in a sentence. For mypurposes, I will define a word or explain a concept so that it can be more completely understoodand thus more effectively applied in everyday life. I have found that providing a more thoroughdescription of a word or idea is usually more helpful for real-world use than a technicalvocabulary definition.Some chapters fit specifically within the book's title. They "define" a particular word, such asselfishness or forgiveness, and expand on the working definition to make it a useable concept forreal-world relationships. Other chapters are included, not so much to define a concept as toprovide additional skills for relating well to others. These chapters fit appropriately within thesub-title of the book, for they, too, are some of the ideas that define our lives. Chapter 4, forinstance, will help you know how to respond when someone does not believe you. Chapter 16,Negotiation Skills, will help you understand the idea of negotiation more than define it for you.The meanings and applications of some of these words and concepts may differ at times fromwhat you and I were taught about them growing up. Some who read this book may disagree withmy "definitions" altogether, for here again, we know that language is often a matter ofinterpretation more than scientific fact. In my attempt to help people makesense out of these ideas and words, I have found that these "workable meanings" have helpedthem to communicate better with others and to live their lives more effectively. I trust that myapproach does no disservice to our language, but in fact enhances it.