Doktor Gary’s Guide to the Perfect Relationship (well, almost perfect) is a humorous narrative of the disparate behaviors of men and women. The book’s tongue-in-cheek style pokes fun at the author and his outlook on life, daring to print beliefs that are unspoken, yet widely acknowledged across cultures and generations. Self-proclaimed expert, Doktor Gary, elaborates on the book’s major premise that women’s conduct enables them to achieve the dominant role in a relationship. Doktor Gary details these behaviors, while encouraging women to accept men’s ridiculous actions. Book chapters are short, easy to read, and unfold as a series of twenty-one laugh “therapy” sessions. Doktor Gary’s Guide covers the entire gamut of sex-related behavior, based on personal observations, from a decidedly male perspective. Climb on the couch and prepare for an entertaining diagnosis for couples to achieve the perfect relationship (well, almost perfect).
Chapter excerpts follow, providing an overview and a flavor of the book’s content.
1. Eating Habits -- Bodily noises are really funny, not withstanding other equally desirable benefits they produce other than their sound.
2. Bathroom Behavior -- Men do not want to see either the pre-bathroom state of their partner, nor the process by which she transforms herself into the woman they love.
3. Sex -- Indeed, if sex were available like ripened apples in the orchard, nothing would be accomplished. The world as we know it would cease.
4. Sports -- What women really need to level the playing field are sports more attuned to their special talents, like power shopping, championship crocheting, and long-distance talking.
5. Driving -- Guys, accept that women will be driving the vehicle, regardless of where they are seated in the car during the trip.
6. Shopping -- My wife constantly diverts my attention to the most recent sale at every department store, as though it occurred once every seventy-six years like the passing of Halley’s Comet.
7. Children -- While children are necessary for the propagation of the species, one must carefully weigh the benefits of happiness versus extinction.
8. Temperaments -- Women view a male’s apology as the prelude to a protracted and intricate process where males must sufficiently suffer for a subjectively assigned period of time, unrelated to the severity of the transgression.
9. Communication -- Men employ selective tuning techniques when listening. If it is something that immediately affects us or might interfere with our tee-off time, we will be extremely attentive.
10. Bedtime -- The exact details of women’s bedtime rituals, like ancient mystic secrets, are best left undisclosed.
11. Cleanliness -- It starts in the shower. I mean, what are women doing in there that takes so long -- training for Navy Seals?
12. Aging -- Women do not understand the May-December romance, offering rebuttals of “But what will they talk about after sex?” We are asleep after sex and the rest of the time we are watching television sports.
13. Child Rearing -- It is difficult enough to bond with that bundle of joy when as a natural part of the eating process one can expect them to spit up on us.
14. Pain -- If men had experienced childbirth, mankind would never have escaped the Garden of Eden.
15. Being Handy -- Once the screwdriver comes out, well, men are at the point of no return. Something is going to get fixed.
16. Health Clubs -- By hanging up their sweaty clothing between workouts in those miniature metal lockers, men equate dry with clean.
17. Retirement -- Sure we could continue with the lifestyle to which our mate has become accustomed, but only if we both die a week from next Tuesday.
18. House Husbands -- We men will be happy to eat chocolate Bon Bons, collapsed on the sofa every afternoon, watching Oprah.
19. Rules -- If not for organized rules of conduct