Three Days in Space

The government can't do anything right.It should be simple. It's a space mission. I need to go out to some weird planet to save my girlfriend. Very straight forward. I only have one requirement. Being a Slider, the cream of the crop in the monster world, I have only one flaw. I need to eat human flesh once a month to stay alive. It's an enzyme thing. I was engineered that way. All the government had to do was develop a meat substitute that would let me survive until I got back. Simple....
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The government can't do anything right.It should be simple. It's a space mission. I need to go out to some weird planet to save my girlfriend. Very straight forward. I only have one requirement. Being a Slider, the cream of the crop in the monster world, I have only one flaw. I need to eat human flesh once a month to stay alive. It's an enzyme thing. I was engineered that way. All the government had to do was develop a meat substitute that would let me survive until I got back. Simple. Of course, they have to screw everything up.Now, I'm stuck with a dragon, two vampires, a butt-load of Gekkers, a sea serpent, a vampire hunter and a space monster. What could possibly go wrong? You guessed it. The meat substitute doesn't work. I'm growing weaker and weaker by the moment. To make matters worse, the space monster wants to kill me, the dragon can't have sex with the sea monster, so he's attempting to have his way with me, another dude, instead. Then, there's a Mind Rider floating around somewhere making everyone do weird things and the vampire hunter wants me to protect her.I think I'm going to have to eat the girl if I'm going to survive any of this.